Today you would’ve been 55 years young. It saddens me that as I type this that you’re not here physically.
As a muchly overdue birthday present, I thought that I should write a letter expressing my gratitude and love towards you, mama.
Anyone who knows me well knows how shy I am and I don’t express myself much, so the best way I can do this is through a talent I was born and blessed with because of you. Through my writing I can get it all out, my anger, sadness, joy, happiness, and everything in between.
Where should I even start? The days living on Waycross, you taking me to my basketball games when I was little, you having the radio up as loud as possible while taking me to school listening to your jams and gospel music. There are just too many memories that come across my mind when I think of my mama.
You not being here is something I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept or understand. What am I supposed to do when I’m in need of my mother’s love? What am I supposed to do when I have a taste for your cooking? What am I supposed to do without the person who knows me best? It feels like weights have dropped on my heart every time I think about things like that.
Your presence always gave me a sense of comfort. Things going so damn bad in my life it feels like the end of the world? Well, alright, at least I got my mama with me. My first day at a new school and I feel all anxious and nervous? When I get home, mama will be there and everything will be alright and I’ll tell her everything that happened. Getting that feeling that I’m all alone? Surely mama is around somewhere. That’s just how it was. There’s not a time that I can remember that you weren’t here, that you weren’t being my mother, that you weren’t doing your absolute best for me.
We went through what felt like everything. If I went into detail of all the things you and I had to go through over the last decade and more I promise we’d have some people re-evaluating their lives and wondering why they were mad at such simple and stupid things. You know what though? We were always together. Through what felt like absolute hell most of the time to the times where we finally had a little sigh of relief in life.
I wish I could go back and get so many of those times back. Those times where we would move in spaces and call it our own. Those times riding in the car and wobbling my head to music. That's so nostalgic to me now. Those times where we’d go out and sit and have a nice mother-son chat or just talk about anything. Those times where we’d watch sporting events with a nice meal. Times where we would watch some of our favorite movies on those little portable DVD players. Just plenty of memories I could jot down. Such simple and small memories have such a vast impact on me and my memory lane when I walk down it.
I'm sorry that you stayed up long nights worrying about me and our situation. Like I said you knew me so well, so you knew when something was wrong. Even so, I never gave you clear-cut answers or told you how I really felt. It’s because I wanted to be just as strong as you and get through whatever was bringing me down on my own just like how you did it. I wanted to show you that I was just as strong as you! I didn’t realize nobody could ever be as strong as you though, and I mean that.
Yeah, you’re absolutely the strongest person I know. Having to be both parents in all three of your baby boys' lives is a challenge beyond imagination. You did it though, you damn sure did it though, and you did it without hesitation. You did it out of love. You did it out of care. You found joy in being a mother and more. Even if you had to give up everything, as long as it meant that your children were going to be okay, you did it in a heartbeat.
You know what I hated? When I tried to prove you wrong since you acted like you knew me soooooo well, and in the end you were right. Of course you were right, you are my mama.
As I’m typing this I keep remembering such small things that I’m going to miss. I’m going to miss you playing in my hair and making sure nothing was in it.
I’m going to miss it all mom. Your cooking, mannnnn listen, with how bad of a picky eater I was you knew exactly what to get and throw down in the kitchen. From your spaghetti, to your chicken and rice, it was all one-of-one. I’m going to miss you asking about the teams and wanting a printable March Madness bracket to fill out. I’m going to miss us talking about sports in general. I’m going to miss you checking up on me making sure I left and came back home safely when I went out. I’m going to miss us playing card games together. I’m going to miss having the person to lean on and make life just feel a little easier just because I knew you were there.
I really wish you didn’t go so soon like you did, but I understand. When I try to think about it, I try to think of it in a positive way. You finally get your much needed rest. You did everything you could ask for as a mother to three boys. You finally get the peace you deserve. You finally get to get away from a world that treated you wrongly.
I can still remember it so vividly. That last day. That so painful day that turned from hope and optimism to tragedy and devastation in such a short matter of time. That day feels like the utter definition of life moves so fast. As I kissed you on your forehead and left your room saying “I’ll see you later” , surely confident in my words and not having a doubt in my mind that I would definitely see you later in even a better condition than you were that day. It’s dreadful to think about, knowing you were hiding something under that smile you showed me every time we would leave the hospital, and you had done it one last time. I at least know you put up a fight and tried your best to get better, because that’s just who you were. Someone who no matter how challenging and difficult a situation might have been, you were going to put up a fight. I’m happy you don’t have to fight any more mom. And as I see it, you won every damn battle, regardless of the outcomes, you won those battles in my eyes. Now you don’t have to worry about any more battles, and I’m so glad about that. You deserve the rest mom.
From your youngest, your baby, your pumpkin, your Kaio, I love you so much, and may you rest in heavenly peace ❤️.
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